？？

有时候，我写的东西或许你们不了解。。我没有要求你们去明白。。
之前的那个文章根本就不是在说我放不下，请不要瞎猜。。
你已经是过去式，我不会强求。。
我只是希望你们开开心心。。
我没有坏到要去诅咒你们。。
谁不懂爱情是不能勉强的？？
不是我的，强求也没用。。
你们要误会我，我也没办法。。
如果每一件事，可以为所欲为的话，我就不需要去烦了。。
你们要怎么想我管不着。。
我不懂事情会变成这样。。
好好想想吧。。
有些话，说了是收不回的。。
我没办法让你们了解我。。
也没办法去控制你们是怎样想我的。。
我需要的是朋友，偶尔会为我着想的朋友，不时会去怀疑我人格的朋友。。
我是很想放弃这一切，可是我不会去做。。
因为我会活得更好。。

绝交

曾经我们是无话不谈的好朋友，
曾经我们是多么的依赖对方，
曾经我把你放在一个很重要的位子，
曾经我多么的想维持我们之间的友谊，
曾经我多么的在意你。。
那都是曾经！！
你们能在一起，我会祝福你们。。在同一个时间，我想我必须放弃我们之间的友谊。。
我没有你们想象中这么伟大。。我没办法跟你们做朋友。。
你利用我对你的信任。。
你懂我对你有多失望吗？？
我以为好朋友是什么都可以分享的，原来是我错了。。
爱情是自私的。。
在你拥有爱情的那一刻，你有想过我的感受吗？
你懂我有多难受吗？
我不甘心，不甘心为什么自己默默付出，却什么都没得到。。
不甘心你什么都没做，为什么你却能拥有。。
我讨厌！！讨厌你不会做人！！
不要以为自己很委屈。。我并不需要低声下气来央求你做我的朋友。。
你的事，我不管了。。
祝你好运！！！

懊恼！！

真讨厌！！为什么要换时间？下星期有三个考试叻。。都不懂要怎样开始读。。每个考试隔的时间又不多。不知道够不够时间温习完。。开始担心了。。这几天都在做礼物。。每晚都很迟睡觉。。不过，算了啦。。自己傻傻要去做。。现在快完成了。。很开心叻。。＝）哈哈。。
已经确定明年会去金宝了。。现在又得烦恼去那儿要跟住。。要住哪里也还是个问题。。跟朋友开玩笑说，没地方住，就在学校范围内起营，可以省房租。。不错吧！！金宝的朋友，帮我留意一下，看有什么房子是要出租的。。有好介绍记得告诉我哦。。哈哈。。

Life in Week 9~~

Wonder why am I blogging so that "early".. Haha.. Just finish up my computer system and application's assignment. Been worry a lot for the assignment. Worry cannot finish it on time, worry last minute work will sauce my lossing marks.. Blaming May for being selfish for going back hometown last.. Niway, sorry for being so not understanding.. I know is not her fault.. She miss home too.. Just that I am not last minute do-er.. I cannot stand the stress for doing last minute.. I am depressing last saturday.. Complaining to Leong about everything.. Crying out to release all my stress and depressing feeling.. I been worry a lot.. Sometime i really wonder, can I actually stand all the stress anymore.. Not mean to complaining about it.. But what I been thinking, if I dont tell, how people will know what am I actually thinking..

For me, I admit that I always take the responsibility with me for most of the assignments. Because I know if I dont push them to do the assignment, they will leave it until last minute. I tried not to give them too much pressure, because I know they same as me, have to study for tests.. When I think for them, will they think the same way back to me?? But this is me myself causing all this.. Haha.. Scare this and that.. End up stressing myself up.. I try to stand the stress, but I am human also le.. Will also complain and feel tired de.. Can I have a shoulder when I am tired?? Wonder.. I know a lot of friends care about me.. Thats why I try not to make them worry..

Now, finally finished one assignment.. Got one more to finish.. Political Science.. Still got time, so let them do slowly la.. Sometime also pity May.. Her work is the heavier.. Need to rephrase and translate the whole assignment paper work.. Sorry for being so unfair.. But your english the best among all of us.. Do it slowly la.. Because next week very busy.. Need to study for tests, do reports.. Try not to pressure her so much.. Haha.. What can we do now is.. Keep adding oil lo.. Until maximum..

Yesterday sat for my organic chemistry test.. Kinda disappointed with my answer.. Because what I suppose to know, I forgotten.. All the reactions, mostly I forgotten.. So I can only simply write whataver I think of lo.. I manage finished all the question. except the last question.. Can finish does not mean I can score, ok?? Trying my best to recall back all the reactions and mechanisms, then only realise that.. My brain is EMPTY!! Then, can only simply crap in the test.. Got write some thing, at least better than never answer ma.. Mana tau, maybe kena correct then go marks lo.. Haha.. Have to think positively ma.. Agree with me??

===========================
Talk back about last few weeks.. I read sister's blog.. Realising that she actually facing some of the problems i been facing.. And I suddenly miss grandparents so much.. I stay to miss home.. Suddenly realise how my parents actually care about me.. Although just a call a day, but it means a lot.. I miss my sister warm and touch messages.. Actually, I kinda susprise my sister's messages.. I cried when i read her messages.. Cried not because I am sad, but is because I dont know that she will really read what I wrote..

I thought of my childhood.. She used to be protect me when I am small.. I miss that kind of feeling.. Dont know since when, we dont really tell each other about our problems.. I really miss the time we have pillow talk.. Knowing each other questions.. I know you got a lot problems.. Dont all keep in your heart la.. Haha..

Dont know why suddenly talk about this.. Niway, thanks for the messages.. I can still handle my studies.. Dont worry.. If really cannot stand, I'll also bare with it.. I wont give up that easy.. It is my future, I dont want regret.. Work for the best and try my best to achieve what I want.. Will jia you de.. Haha..

======================
This week dont really get enough sleep due to the organic chemistry test.. Everyday study until 2-3am only sleep.. Tuesday practical lab supposed to postpone from 8.30am to 1pm de.. So I studied until 3something in the morning, think of that class start late.. I am doing mechanisms notes until that late.. And I can actually feel that my body cant take it anymore.. Because as time passed by, I start to feel headache, dizzy and feel like vomitting.. But I forced myself to finish it before I can sleep peacefully.. Finally so happy I managed to finish it.. But manatau when 7am that time, May called me..Informed me that the practical lab never postpone.. As usual start at 8.30am.. You know what is my first reaction?? Haha.. Jump out from bed, and shout what the.. I just slept le.. Now need to wake up pulak.. Luckily I never study until 5something in the morning, a bo me practical that time sure pengsan de.. So kelian.. Not enough sleep.. Then after practical, went back home and take a nap.. But then at night no mood study, sleep quite early.. 12something in the morning.. The next day, went to campus early to K book.. Haha..

Today, I sleep late again.. Kinda emo this week.. Maybe because too stress liao.. Haha.. Tomorrow going to sleep in lecture class.. My Cell Biology tutorial haven do le.. Tomorrow want go copy answer.. Haha.. Degree student lazy to do tutorial.. Realise that I never do most of my tutorial.. Must change liao.. Haha..

2 more tests(computer lab test and Political Science), 2 more lab reports(Cell Bio and Organic Chemistry) and 2 assingments(Computer and Political Science) to be complete in next week.. Jia you lo!!! Gambateh..
=======================

TT

Just finished my Computer System and Application Test.. Sob sob.. Dont know to do.. Thought lecturer will ask those common abit de question, manatau she go ask those pelik pelik de questions.. Crack my head think for the answer.. But otak kosong de.. At the end, me just simply write whatever I know lo.. The test result sure very teruk de.. No eyes see lo.. Haiz..
Exam half way, got a girl pengsan.. Dont know why.. Everyone so curious.. Include me la.. I somemore go 8, see i can help anot.. Haha.. But the friend dont want listen to our advice, then fine lo.. Go back my place continue exam.. But o.. Too excited or some how, I cant concentrate do the test.. No mood to do.. End up asking answer from other people.. Haha.. But not all la.. Just the fill in the blank de.. Blek..
Tomorrow got presentation le.. Me haven prepare le.. Sob sob.. Dont know what to wear also.. Haiz.. Start to feel nervous ady..
===================
Next week die hard lo.. because:
2 tests, 2 reports, 2 assignments..
I WANT DIE LIAO!!!
I am not robot le.. Need to complete so many task in a week.. Haiz.. Cannot sleep liao..

wonder~ing

Life going to be very busy this coming few weeks.. Need to prepare for tests.. Every week also got test.. See the schedule also headache liao.. Want study, but like no mood only.. Do alot of notes, but sendiri still blur blur de.. Everyday sleep late, but need to wake up early.. Want skip class but cannot.. Scare got quiz or lecturer checks attendance.. Alot to worry about..

Assignments come one by one.. One haven finish, another come pulak.. Busy solving all the assignments question.. Haiz.. The progress ia kinda slow.. Hope can finish it before the due date la.. Group members like so relax, no worry de.. Or I really worry too much a?? Wonder..

Want give people pressure, end up sendiri pulak stress up.. So useless la.. Start to work hard this week.. Do revision, do reports, do tutorials, stop playing.. Haha.. Because I scare to score low in my test.. Kiasu..

==========================
Sometime just dont know why.. Feel like to be alone.. Dont feel like talking to other people.. Dont like people ask alot of questions.. Just want to sit there quietly, think of something else.. Sometime feel like emotionally unstable.. Feel stress, but dont know where is the stress come from.. Communication break down with friends.. Really wonder what happen.. What I acually doing here?? Dont know..

Monday class started at 3pm.. Went to campus when other people were about to finish class.. Haha.. The practical was quite easy.. Food test.. But kinda boring.. Rushing to finish the report.. So cham le.. Because the next day have to pass up Organic Chemistry lab report.. Itu Ruey Shin la.. Said cannot copy terus from the internet.. Make me have to change my report last minute.. So tiring le.. Stress stress.. Finally done at 10something at night.. Then, Ah Leong fetched me home with bike.. Haha.. Scary le.. Almost cannot stand when come down from the bike..

When reached home, I am actually planning to study Cell Biology.. Suddenly so semangat want study.. Mana tau!! Saw a cockcroach in my room.. My first reaction was go to kitchen to take Shieldtox.. Spread all over the room, end up have to wash my bed sheet.. Hand so pain le.. Wash it with hand le.. My house no WASHING MACHINE!! I mean my house in Setapak la.. Then kena za by Ah Leong.. So chammm.... Whole night cannot sleep well..
====================
Tuesday class started at 8.30am.. I woke up at 7.45am.. Then, rush to campus.. Thought I will be late.. Manatau.. Actually still got 15 minutes before class start.. Make me walk like orang gila only.. Run and walk, sweating like mad.. But the practical was so teruk la.. Me just like blur blur, do not how to start my practical.. Sob sob..

Finished class at 1pm.. Went to Jusco.. Have lunch there.. Shakey's Pizza got so many cockcroaches... Sob sob.. Saw Michelle and Ah Leong buying food there.. We went to Ah Leong's house had dinner.. Then, Michelle they all want go swim.. I followed to go see them swim.. Itu Ah Leong push me down.. Dont believe that I dont know to swim la.. Play with me.. Kena 2 times.. Very malu le.. Continually 2 times loss balance.. Sure scared other people.. Haha.. My balancing ability in water=0..

At night. May and I went home.. Ah Leong fetched us back home, then Marcus come find us.. Saw Peat Peat in my house.. Then, we talk talk talk.. Until midnight.. Then, go yam cha.. Then, go back continue talk talk.. Haha.. You know?? End up...4 of us squeeze in the small room.. And I only get to sleep at 5something in the morning.. When I woke up, headache le.. Feel so terrible le..
====================
Wednesday went to Sungei Wang again.. Go there do nothing.. Walk without any destination.. Just walk around with Peat Peat.. Then, we went back home.. Staying at Prima.. Marcus teman-ed me go PV10 collect my shirt.. Went for dinner after that.. Lester followed along.. And we played poker there..

TODAY i slept at 2something in the morning.. Others were continue play 21 until 6am.. End up all skipped class.. Bad bad example..

======================
Thursday, I went to campus alone, sitting KTAR bus.. Itu bus drive in to KTAR campus area.. Make me sesat in the KTAR campus.. So memalukan le.. When walked out, saw Wilson.. So surprise to see him there..

ALmost late for class again.. Actually plan to listen during the lecture.. End up sleeping in the class.. Haha.. Today cannot sleep again.. Having bad headache.. Haiz...
===================

Mickey MP3~~

I went to Sungei Wang on wednesday. Went there with May and Marcus. Actually just planning to walk around, search for something that is cute and interesting. Haha.. Finally, I found one~~ Which is a Mickey MP3..

It got 5 colors.. But I prefer white color de.. Nicer.. But sister said will get dirty very easily.. Quite true la.. Silver color also not bad la.. Haha..

This is how it function.. Quite cute right? It is also something special about this MP3.. Different from other MP3..

Then, we went to ask for the price. The first shop said is Rm95 for 1 GB. Ok, fine.. The price considered quite cheap for a Disney product la.. Then, we went for second shop. There only sell RM 89 for 1 GB and RM119 for 2 GB. walk walk half way, see got another shop selling the MP3. Go forward and ask for the price again. They sell cheapest le.. RM 80 for 1 GB and RM110 for 2GB.. Haha.. It is getting cheaper.. Haiz.. But me no money buy yet..

And also that day, we went to makan at Sushi King.. Ordered Salmon Steak.. Sharing with May.. 6 of us all together eating at Sushi King and it costs us RM100+.. Haha.. First time eat Sushi King.. Quite enjoy and having fun there.. Miss it.. Haha..

After dinner, we went to buy Big Apple donuts..

Been spending a lot at that day.. Sob sob.. Cannot spend so much next week.. Haiz..

Birthday coming lo.. Haha.. Getting old 1 year.. Cant wait to go out with friends.. =p

This week is the happier week.. Trying a lot of new thing.. Haha..

Thanks to Wei Leong and Ruai Shin for fetching me home.. Haha.. Quite enjoy the moment that i sitting on the motorcycle.. Haha.. Think I am addicted to that kind of feeling.. Very hard to explain.. Just feel that when sitting behind, wind blow that time, you will like you can think properly, can see thing clearly.. Haha.. Understand a??

sick~~

THUR
Thursday that time, we went to May's room in Prima. Itu May May Yam Yam so blur la, lose her card.. The journey also not fun liao.. Haha.. Because very mafan without the card. Cannot go in or out without the card. Mafan!!

Then we went out for dinner. We ate at two different places, so funny la.. Chatting and had dinner there. Ate half way, head kena hit by some one.. Itu Ah Leong a, say hi like this, some more called me Miss Pig.. So cham.. But never mind because i called him Mr Debit Card, because he took the debit card form when I saw him in campus cafeteria.. Haha..

BUT.. I am sick on that day.. Sob Sob..

===================================
FRI
Friday was so blur.. Still sick, but still have to go to school.. No choice, cannot skip class. Me so guai.. Haha. Perasannya.. Blek.. Reached home, mum making kuih cang, helped for the whole afternoon. Me so guai le, but the real reason is.. I the only one left at home, so have to help la..

===================================
SAT
Sleepy~~

Whole day sleep, now still feel like sleeping.. No wonder he called me Miss Pig.. Haha..

SEtaPAk~~

Finally, me shifted out from home. Now staying at Setapak. Haha.. But my room very warm le, because dont have fan. So this few days i been tumpang-ing at friend's house. Wait for Marcus to borrow me the fan. Haha..

But abit tak biasa la.. Because all my house mates are damn hardworking, every time see them, they all sure holding book study de.. Haiz.. This really make me stress le.. So, I planning start study next week, after I get the fan first. Cannot play play liao.. My class fellow all so hardworking, especially those from STPM..

Me today staying at Prima.. Playing around whole day, never study.. All May's fault.. Make me cannot study.. Haha.. Whole day keep on eating only.. Now tummy not feeling well liao.. Sob sob.. A lot of food inside my tummy.. Haiz..

Just now went to the festival hold by SRC in campus. They selling food and drinks there. We ordered the pearl tea. Vern Mein and I ordered chocolate pearl tea, but itu May different abit. She ordered Mango pearl tea. Funniest thing is the fella incharge called May as Vivian. Haha.. So funny la.. We should exchange our name. Haha..

Some more itu Marcus want chuan me that Wan Chying called him. Blek. My boy boy also got called me, k? But he so bad la, keep ask me dont go back Subang Jaya. Haha.. But too bad la, because I am going back there..

Stay here so boring la.. Dont know what to eat also.. Everyday eat back the same food, sien.. Haha.. And dad not going to buy a new car liao because the petrol price rise again. Haiz.. I cannot have car to drive and Kien Mun dont want come find me because petrol price rise, sob sob.. But never mind la.. I still can be understandable..=p I am so good.. (Cheh, me so perasan le..)

No TIME!!

Today shifted all my stuff to Setapak, then we went to find Kim Leong. Mana tau he not feeling well.. Parents keep saying I stupid, dont know to call him from the window, stand there like idiot only. Haiz. I am speechless.. But never mind, since I will be leaving home soon.. Haha..

After that, went to mum's friend's shop to have brunch.. Haha.. I think the food is ok la.. But mum keep complaint that not delicious. But never mind, friend ma.. So the aunt counted the bill quite cheap la.. Haha..

Then, we went to dad's working place. Before that, we dropped by a shoe factory. Because there having warehouse sales.. Teman mum go buy shoes.. But not me buying la.. so boring stand there.. Finally, mum bought a pair of high heels, while dad bought 3 pairs of black shoes.. Plus yesterday 2 pairs of shoes.. Dad been buying 5 pairs of shoes in 2 days.. 1 word~~"GENG!!"

When in the factory that dad been constructing, I met Justin and Joshua.. Have some chat with them la. Then went home with them, since parents need to stay there to do some stuff.. Haha.. Actually, quite fun hanging with them la.. 1 thing that memalukan is---I cant open my house's lock.. no face ya..

At home, mopped the whole house.. So so tired.. Then, prepare dinner for sister. Then, washed al my clothes, had my dinner, bath and finally start doing my organic chemistry lab report.. Now almost finish liao.. So happy.. Because just now still worry cannot finish the lab report on time.. Doing it together with May.. Discussing in MSN.. Haha.. geng le??

Tomorrow got work again.. Then, at night going back Setapak with kor and adeline.. Haha.. Monday coming again.. So lazy to go for class.. Haiz. Because I haven revise my organic chemistry.. Which I bet with kor that I will study it in this week.. Look like I cant take it.. Haiz.. This weekends so busy!!

Weekend~~

Yesterday went to easy pha-max conference with parents. Justin, Joshua (Justin's brother) and Kien Mun follow along. I woke up at 6.00am to morning call Kien Mun, then i sleep back until 7.00am only wake up. Haha!! Me so evil la. =p

After woke up, went to bath and eat breakfast lo. Then, sms him but he never reply, so I called him again. He memang like to be late la. Beh tahan.. Haha.. He was late again, but nevermind la since parents just get ready on that time. After that, we went to Justin's house to pick them up. Me so cham!! Sit with 3 guys at the back seat, like sardine only. Because all so big size, make me no place to sit. Sob sob~~

When reached there, my legs cramp, faster climbed out from the car. Haha. We went to the hall, having breakfast. Me actually dont plan to eat, because dont feel like eating. But mum start to nag, said paid liao, dont waste the money.. Then, Joshua took 3 pieces of sandwiches for me, so have to eat lo. After ate breakfast, I followed mum go register lo. The company system very teruk le. Sent them the name, but they never wrote it on the ID. Cacat la..

We went inside the hall and ready for the speech. Kien Mun's promoter called, so he went out to answer the call la. Then, he just stay outside until I sms him. Mum keep asking me where he went, so fan.

After listen half way, start to feel sleepy liao. Then, he went out again. I dont like lunch break. Only 45 minutes, and itu Kien Mun dont know go where liao. Mum keep ask me to call him. Buthe pulak switch off phone. Feel like punch him and scold him kau kau. Bu shuang..XP

And the lunch also teruk la.. Never prepare well, we been waiting for the food so long. When reached our turn, all the food finished. Damn sui la.. Then, wait for the food lo. Then, Chee Hou sms-ed me that result is out. So I am so nervous, asking sister helps me check for the result.

After knew my result, me no mood eat my lunch liao. Because I am too happy. The result is better than what I been expected.. Haha.. Can chuan in front Kien Mun, Justin and Joshua. After lunch, teman mum go toilet. She nag me because I keep talking to Joshua and Kien Mun. Ask me keep quiet. Just dont understand why she nag me about that. Not my fault also, they are boring so they talk to me la. sob~~

The second part of the conference started. Kien Mun, Joshua and Justin start to fall asleep. Haha.. So nice to kacau them, disturb them from sleeping. Haha. Finally, the talks ended. Happy time because no need sit inside the hall anymore. Prepare for dinner.

We went to upstair to look at the scenery. Then, we took some photo. Haha.. Our first picture is at here. Havent get the picture from Justin.

The company service is teruk la. Never register mum's name. So we have to sit at different table. The uncles same table with me like hungry ghost, so scary la. The dinner is so bad. The food sux man, not nice de. Never eat full full also.

**Half way of the dinner, the company hold a donation for the Si Chuan earthquake. Dad donated Rm50. I am so touch when listen to the speech. Why this happened to our earth? Wonder.. **

When came back home, I be the sardine again. Reached home on 12.00am. Sleepy~~ Slept at 1.50am. SO tired!!

=====================================

Today woke up at 10.45am. Actually me suppose to work at 10am, but he helps me work first, so that I no need to wake up so early. I went to work on 1pm. Haha. He is late for work again today. We suppose to work on 10am, but he reached at 10.45am. Haha. So he changed the time setting. Bad boy ya.

He went out at 2.30pm to Klang, I guess. Feel sorry because I kept on call him. So many thing happen today. Me is so stupid, keep making mistakes. Luckily all the customers are so nice, they never scold me for being so slow.

Then, I told him come back faster. He came back at 6.00pm. So, I learned to close account. So happy le. Because the amount in computer and the machine is the same. Haha.. First time le. And I still haven meet my boss. Wonder how he look like??

When I went back, he still there, because need to wait for boss to take over the shift. Kelian him. Because he never take the salary. The salary is for me de. He filled in the card that me working. But actually, he worked in the morning, but he never take the salary. This few days also like that. When I worked with him, all the salary I take. Haha. He work without salary. Blek..

Life!!

Me going back to school soon.. Haha.. So happy, because finally holidays come to an end. Cant wait to go back.. Wonder who will be my coursemates. Yet, now still worry about my result. The UTAR so slow la. Until now still haven upload our result in intranet.

I haven pay my bill yet. Haha. Haven collect my UTAR t-shirt, file and also haven go to take picture for the student ID. So so so busy.......

I want my time table, because I have to confirm with Kien Mun about the promoter job in GIANT. Haiz... I wish I can take up the job, but scare crash with my studies. One more thing is the job is on saturday and sunday. And my birthday is on saturday, I want go out celebrate with friends. But i need money also.. How?? Wonder should I accept the job offer??

=============================================================

Yesterday went out with Joan, Chee Shan, Joe Hui, Xinnee and Hui Nien. Sorry ya gals, I cant have dinner with you all. Yi Lian, sorry cant meet you up yesterday. I have to rush back because I knew he will be late for work again. Haha.. But nevermind la, dy biasa la..

I bought J CO donuts yesterday. only bought half dozen la.. Sharing with friends. Then today is sister's birthday. So the donuts become sister's birthday present. Me so smart le. Niway, just wanna said, "Sis, happy birthday lo!!" Me long time never said happy birthday to siblings and parents liao, because it will feel so weird to wish them. Haha..

He came at 7.20pm (if I am not wrong) . Late again. Then, he went out again. Left me in book store until 10 something. Luckily, nothing happen, I am still able to handle the problems. Lucky thing is boss never come and not even call. Good la.. Because yesterday I was so worry that boss will drop by and call to know how is the business. I never see boss before ma. Of course will scare la..

A day finished. Was so tired. Because i been wearing contact lense for whole day, eyes were so so tired. Haha. After he went back then I mai go sleep lo.

=============================================================

Tomorrow have to wake up early, going to eaay pha-max conference. Haiz.. Mum also called him go, so tomorrow I need to morning call him liao. If not, he sure wake up late again de. Haha.. Hope he can wake up la.. Because he today works until 12 am again. Lazy pig~~

one day trip..

I went to setapak today with kim leong and xinnee.. We went to pasar seni first, then we went to makan at McDonald. After that only sit LRT go Wangsa Maju. When I at the LRT station, the machine cacat la. Dont want eat my ticket, make me jam there because cannot get my card. Haha.. After reach Wangsa Maju, we went to my room in Setapak. We sitting inside do nothing, talking only. Then we went to Kim Leong's room, go see the store room. Haha. Then we went to UTAR campus, go walk walk awhile. The campus quite far le. Walk until leg pain.. Blek.. Then xinnee and me went back ourselves, because Kim Leong has something to do. Finally reach home at 5pm. Tired ya.. Finally finally, i knew how to go setapak. And today is the FIRST time i sit LRT.

nightmare!!

今天又发梦了，发了一个很奇怪的梦。

地点：UTAR PJ Campus PA Block

突然梦见自己出现在PA141（应该是吧，如果没记错的话）。奇怪的是，自己竟然在里面处理着一堆香蕉。课室里面有人谈论着一宗谋杀案。当时我的身分好像是一位警员，处理香蕉的当儿，也和他们谈了谈这个案件。不久后，小张走过来和我一起收拾那堆香蕉。他看到那香蕉又大又黄，便拿了一条来吃。他还给了我一条，可是我看到那香蕉好像坏了，告诉他，他却不听。突然，那条香蕉变成青色（好像一堆algae黏在上面似的），还没来得及告诉小张时，他已经将香蕉吃完，拍拍屁股走掉了。留我在那堆香蕉前发呆。

之后，自己突然有一种不好的预感，好像什么坏事会发生似的。我在UTAR里，没有目标的走上走下，很迷惘，不知道自己要干嘛。

隔天，去到学校，自己一个人站在biology lab前面，又发起呆来了。就在这个时候接到joan cheng的电话，可是我听不到她说什么。不久后，jay打给我，他告诉我，小张死了。他叫我去看布告板，因为那儿刊登了他的死讯。报章刊登了他的死状，很恶心了。是谁杀死了小张？没有人知道。

突然间，自己又换了身分，成为一位学生，坐在课室里考试。当天考的是数学科，可是考卷却是华语考试，而且校方还采用了seafield的考卷。奇怪的另一点竟然是Puan Ng Swee Chin是我的考官。可是，我却没法回答这张考卷。脑海里充满了关于小张的死，自己会和他一样吗？当时的我，真的很乱。Yen Ee一直问我一大堆问题，搞到我快崩溃了。

过后，爸竟然拿了pizza来请我的朋友。看到贤政和紫珊在课室里，还有一班不认识的人。紫珊问我要不要和蘑菇汤，可是我没睬她，因为在这一刻，我想到一些东西。那就是：“在那间课室吃东西的人，都会死、死。。。。”脑袋就一片空白，过后就醒来了。

是不是很奇怪？不要问我谁是小张、joan cheng和jay，因为我并不认识他们。哈哈。。

最近自己好像真的挺会发梦的哦。发的都是奇奇怪怪的梦，快疯了。。

《永不死心的男人》

今天在家读了张小娴的散文集《欲望的鸵鸟》里的一篇散文《永不死心的男人》。她描述的散文是这样的：

当你不喜欢一个人的时候，你是什么也会看他不顺眼的。即使是很小很小的事情。例如头发的分界；他的发界太偏左，你会认为是很大的问题。他常常开怀大笑，也会惹你讨厌。他为什么不能酷一点？他的鼻孔太大了，他的皮肤偏黄，她的手指太长，这些统统都是不能容忍的缺点。

当他爱你而你不爱他的时候，他总是有很多事情令你看不顺眼。人太好，也是问题。对你太好，也叫你受不了。你就是不喜欢他对你这么好。你尤其讨厌他对你千依百顺。

当你越是尝试去喜欢他，你越是看他不顺眼。为什么我们会这么差劲呢？那个人并没有对我们不好；相反的，他很好很好。对我不好的人，我会死心塌地，对我好的，我偏偏要折磨她。

是的，他这么好，我会难过。我会抱怨，为什么对我这样的不失我爱的那个人，而是一个我不爱的人？所以，我特别憎恨他。

只要我不爱他，我会用显微镜去观察他的缺点。然而，当他死心了，撤退了，我又会有点失落。既然他那么爱我，我还以为他是永不死心的。我想要一个永不死心的男人，世上有吗？

我认同她的看法，应该是完全认同。越喜欢自己的人，我会觉得他越讨厌。不懂为什么。听到他的声音时会觉得很刺耳。他的关心让我觉得很烦。总而言之，就是觉得他很讨厌。自己会去避开他，不想见到他。可是当他死心时，自己确实会觉得很失落。

失落，
因为没有人纠缠不清，
因为得不到他的注意，
因为没有人再把自己捧本在手心，

可是，时间久了，自然就放下咯。

爱情本来就是酱嘛？越想得到，就越难得到吗？哈哈~~

"afternoon-mare"??

Today, parents left house early.. Can sleep until late late only wake up.. But still my that brother, suddenly so hardworking want go library study, so sister has to fetch him go la.. Make me cannot sleep until very very late.. 10am woke up.. Bu shuang lo.. Then, eat my breakfast.. Read novel then watch cartoon.. 1pm that time, feel hungry.. So ask sister go ta pau la.. She bought me tom yam fried rice.. Haha.. Quite spicy la.. After makan, feel sleepy pulak.. So go to sleep la.. Sleep sleep sleep.. Then have a bad dream.. Dream of I got a down syndrome boy friend.. And his mum asking me out yam cha, said want to discuss about our wedding.. Haha.. Then i refuse to marry with him.. Then his parents called my nanny and talk to her about it.. And nanny ask me think clearly.. Walao.. What kind of dream is it? Fast fast wake up.. Dont want continue to dream about this matter liao.. Think I watch too much TV liao.. Haha.. Then I mop the whole floor.. And watch TV again.. After that, eat dinner.. But eat abit only, give brother the rest.. Because still feel full.. Then now, I am hungry again.. Want to go find something to eat.. Haha.. Getting fat liao lo..=p

What a day??

I hate it.. Idiot.. I want go out then go out la.. I am 19 this year.. No longer a small kid, k? I can take care myself.. Give me some freedom, k? I just went out with friends.. Someone that you all know well.. But why still want scold.. I not asking money from you all also.. Today I didn't even spend any money.. I admitted that I going out, because I just want to be honest.. But why still want scold me.. And I finished everything, all my works before I going out.. I just want a little bit of freedom.. I am not a bird in the cage..


Excuse me.. What you mean by "You are not important?" A cloth is more important than your own daughter? Now i knew it.. Do you know how hurt i felt? Just in order to dry your pants, you said this to me.. Sometime I really wonder.. How can you said it to me? I am your daughter.. I am here not for you to scold, to nag, to complaint about.. I am your daughter not your maid, k?


Why want spoilt my mood like this? Today is a happy day for me, but it is before i met my parents at home.. Just let me be happy just a day, is it so hard for you two to make it? Please.. Why I need to live like this.. I dont dare to fight back because I know I am your daughter.. No matter what I said, you all wont listen.. But just be fair..


I want my own life.. I want to live my life happily.. But your words really hurt me a lot.. I dont dare to tell you what I think face to face.. But I hope you all know that, child is a gift.. Not a burden.. Love your child, care about them.. Not by pressuring them.. I hope to see changes when I come back from setapak (although it is still have 3 more weeks to go, before i staying at setapak)..

=(

dont ever hey me again..

me bu shuang with that, k??

=(

problems~~

I dont want stay at home.. Everyday facing the wall, cant really find someone to talk to.. I cant tell them about what am I thinking, who am I actually missing, what I want to do and where I want to go.. What I can do is just sitting at home, reading story books, helping mum cleaning the house.. I am lazy.. I dont want to do housework.. My hand still pain, but I dont have choice.. If I doont do, sure kena nag whole day again.. Everyday have to wake up early, but why sister can sleep until so late? Because she is working and I am not? Where can like this.. It is so unfair.. I have to do all the stuff, while she no need by complaint that her leg kena bite by ants?? I whole bosy aaching still have to mop the whole house le.. Why I cannot complaint? Wonder.. Really bu shuang about this.. Please be fair..

You always said I am useless, but do you even think about what is my feeling?? When people praise your daughter, you should be proud.. Not by pijak-ing your daughter infront of others.. This really make me feel bad.. Be proud of your own child.. Give them hope by encourage them, not by complainting them infront of other people.. It really make me feel embarrassed.. Please give me a stage to go down.. You always said I am useless.. But do you even try to understand what I want? I knew myself very well.. I am not that kind of child that can work part-time while studying.. If I able to handle my studies well, maybe I will work for part-time.. But the problem is without working part-time, my result not that good compare to others.. But i tried my best.. I want you to be proud.. Maybe I am not the best daughter in the world, but at least I still able to make you feel proud of.. What you all want actually? A smart daughter but cant work part-time job or a stupid daughter that can earn money? Is it so important that I cant earn money? I tried not to spend so much.. That is the reason why I always stay at home, never go out with friends, never go yam cha.. Because I know I cant earn money.. I know I been spending a lot of money for tuitions, buying things, national service.. Sorry about that..

I dont want to compare with others.. But I just cant do it.. I know I should be happy for being able to have a family, have a place to live, have money to use.. But sometimes I just dont understand why I always kena nag.. Because I am lazy? Because of my hot-tempered?? Or because I always stay at home but I cant help much?? Who can tell about this?? It is really stressful staying at home.. I always listen to the same thing.. I dont know to cook, I dont know to drive, I dont know to help do housework, I dont know to earn money, like to make my own decision.. What I know is sleeping, eating, daydreaming, reading novel, watching televisyen.. Haha.. Quite true also.. But dont la everyday say back the same thing.. Very annoying.. And everytime I heard it, sure become moody and bad-temper de.. Change something new la..

Dad is ok with the room I rent in setapak.. But mum is not happy about it.. She keeps thinking that I make my own decision about the room.. I dont want to stay near the school, want go stay at some where that are far from school.. Dad is happy because the room I am renting is quite convenience.. Near school and got food stall there.. But mum think the different way.. If I stay at the same house with Kim Leong, he will be able to look after me.. But the problem is if I want go eat, I have to walk quite a distance le.. Which one is better?? Dad want bought a new MyVi to sister.. The Kelisa will put at setapak for me to learn to drive.. Want me to practise to drive when in setapak.. Haha.. But the problem is I am worry.. It has been so long i never drive car.. Now regret also no use.. Haha..

I still dont know when am I shifting to setapak.. Plan to start staying there on june.. So need to fan for the first week.. Dont know how.. Want tumpang at friend's house.. But no idea.. Haiz..

thurs, fri and sat!!

Last thursday, which is also labour day.. Parents and me went to setapak to search for the room I going to rent when study at setapak.. finally found one at Taman Bunga Raya there.. Friend recommend.. Haha.. Finally settle my problem.. But now have to start thinking about when I going to shift in?? Maybe start renting on june, want to save money.. The first week maybe travel from house.. Haiz.. It going to be very suffering.. Because have to wake up early everyday.. Headache when think about it.. Haiz.. Fan.. Dad want put a car there, so it will be easier for me to travel from place to place.. But the problem is I dont know to drive.. Haha.. Never mind, at least got people want to sit my car.. Haha.. Must learn to drive when in setapak.. Cannot sia sui.. Must prove to them that I can drive.. Blek..

=============================

Friday went back to school for the extra practical class in order to prepare for the coming first aid test.. End up, i was playing in the bilik kesihatan.. Walking around doing nothing.. They all thought i know about first aid, keep asking me question.. But pai seh la.. Because i actually dont know anything also.. Same as them.. So I just simply give them the answer.. Haha.. Then after the practical, I still have to wait for brother to finish his koperasi thing.. Sit in Bilik Kesihatan doing nothing, waste my time only.. But never mind la.. Because I also dont want go home so early.. So i just took a short nap in Bilik Kesihatan.. Haha.. Inside BK got sofa.. But still very boring because i alone in the Bilik Kesihatan.. Was eating lunch with Swee Kiang, King Hao, Yi Lian and a girl.. then, Yi Lian need to rush back home, because have to look after her brother.. So i teman her back lo.. We walk back.. Then, I walk back school.. From USJ 4 back to USJ13.. It is damn far.. sweating like mad when reached school.. Haha.. Damn tired le..

=============================

Today is the day for me to take my first aid exam.. Was so nervous before the exam, start to worry this, worry that.. But when see the paper, I dont know what to say.. To say easy, not really.. To say hard, but not also that hard.. Ok la.. but still worry for the theory test.. Cos never study, simply tembak only.. Haha.. My exam is with all the examiners, almost the last group taking exam.. The practical part not that worry.. Cos quite relax.. Haha.. Think back last time, first aid exam used to be very serious.. Now it is like quite relaxing, not that formal.. Haha.. Suddenly become the examiner for Choking.. Wonder.. But i really feel bad because I scared a member.. She like want to cry when I keep asking her question.. Haha.. Dont know why la.. Maybe I really scare her.. But still I thought I am not that fierce.. Haha.. Finish exam on almost 2pm.. half die when reach home.. Grandparents came my house.. And I ate my lunch on 2 something.. Muscle pain le.. Talking to kor for almost an hour.. About room in Setapak, About UTAR, and other stuff la.. Long time never really chit-chat with friends liao.. Miss the old time..

生活反常了！！一切变得很没有逻辑~~

不安！！

我很讨厌这种感觉，我不想胡思乱想。。可是，我又不能不这样想。。我不是不信任他，只是觉得没有信心。。我不知道为什么。。喜欢他，原来是这么不安的。。我不想把他想成是那种专搞暧昧的人，因为他说他是成熟的。。

TIRED!!!

today was a tired day.. went for st john for the extra class.. been incharge of recruits class.. tired~~ the recruits are so active.. me want to admit old liao.. cannot tahan after whole morning busy with the practical.. sob sob.. next time, i dont want incharge of recruits class liao.. it is super tiring.. exam next week, but i still dont know anything.. haiz.. one more week to prepare.. god, help me!! i dont want fail.. yi lian suggested to go practise on friday, before the exam.. wonder.. can i go??


mop the whole house.. tired..

finally..

i finished my final exam!!

so relax.. can throw book liao.. i want to rest, want to go out with friends, want to play around, want to go back hometown.. but, what can i do now? except just stay at home, waiting for people to call me, to get my part-time job..


still haven decide when to go setapak, see the room.. may coming.. still haven find a room.. fan le.. i want my room, i want stay there.. no matter what.. but now still haven rent a room.. how?? fan fan..


today went to take picture and go fill in the form for the part time job.. but they only want me work on 7pm to 12am.. sure mum nag la.. cause who going to fetch me go work?? and it is so late, later kena rob, how?? so many questions.. i very fan le.. want me go work, now go find job, they nag pulak.. aihzz...

zZZz~~

today is a terrible day.. almost late for the exam.. every place i passed by are jam like hell.. can't imagine if i am late for exam.. i was super tension when in the car.. everything that i read before, all i forgotten.. my exam also sux.. got 4 questions, but when i do until question 2, i start to feel dizzy, feeling sleepy.. so i just simply write the answer.. because i am just so blur.. beh tahan.. finally last paper dy.. faster finish, faster can relax..

setapak room haven rent yet.. see also haven see.. haha.. how? dont know lo.. now have to see how.. dont know when can go and see..

want to work part-time during semester break.. any job offer??

BiLL XP

just got my degree year1 sem1's bill.. see the amount.. walao.. rm5,000++ le.. haha.. last time thought only rm4,000++.. money matter again.. thinking.. going to orientation anot.. the activities very boring le.. all the talks.. wuliao.. wait!! now is not the time to think of all these.. tomorrow management paper no eyes see lo.. cause cant memorise everything.. headache.. haha.. everyone.. enjoy your revision la.. haha.. good luck.. 2 more papers to go.. after that, can throw book liao..so happy..

sien..

haha.. actually i have a lot of thing to tell, to share.. but still i wont write it here.. cos it is my secret.. maybe few of you know about it.. haha..
sometime really feel very fan lo.. keep simply think.. good or bad? correct or wrong?? really cant differentiate it.. i really wanna siao liao la..
study kena scold, never study also kena scold.. what they want me to do??
do this kena scold, do that also kena scold, never do anything lagi kena scold.. haiz..
now, life is so hard..
niway.. luckily i still able to cheer up by thinking of something.. haha..
==============
yesterday manage to finish the notes for web page, while today i manage to finish the management studies notes.. haha.. happy.. need it?? ask from me lo.. haha..
the whole study been busy with some activities like chit-chatting with friend, sms, studying, reading text books, reading novel, and daydreaming.. haha.. damn busy..
==============

study week damn sien~~

What a boring study break.. Everyday facing text book only.. sien lo.. Cannot go out, everyday sit at home.. Do nothing.. haiz.. Go school also not that boring.. But good thing is.. No need to wake up early.. haha.. PIG!!
Been holding the html text book for few days liao.. but still haven finish reading.. Sister's friend gave us some books.. So, i was multitasking when doing revision.. Read the text book and the story book in the samt time.. cos too boring kep reading the text book.. haha..
Just now go kacau sin man.. Want stress stress her so that she will go study.. see.. I am so GOOD to her, so CONCERN bout her.. haha.. want vomit.. purposely want to kacau her de.. so that she will stress up and start studying.. haha..
Final coming lo.. haiz.. haven prepare well.. this time sure die de lo.. everyday study, eat, watch tv and sleep.. but the time i spent on tv is more than the time i spend in do revision.. die de lo..
now only left 6 more days.. i still haven finish my revision.. must add oil liao.. so.. everyone also jia you la.. good luck in final lo.. haha..=p

TE2

Yesterday was the last day of foundation.. We went to red box yesterday.. I came in late.. but i did enjoy the every moment we have.. At 1st, i really dont feel like going in there.. Because i think that, no everyone of us actually singing.. but, it prove that i am wrong.. I am glad to make the right decision.. 4 hours seem to be so long.. But for us, it was so long.. it passed so fast..
Maybe this is our last gathering.. dunno when will we having fun together.. haha.. I will surely miss everyone.. when came to the end of da sing K session, we took pics together.. Although some 1 was missing.. But still we having fun..
After this, we have to start doing revision, prepare for final.. after the final, we have a month of semester break.. then we have to start our "journey" in degree level.. all of us heading to different campus, different course.. some going Kampar, some going Setapak..
It been almost 1 year, i be with them.. In TE2.. Honestly, i always think that i cant mixed well with them.. i seem to be the outsider of TE2.. i not very close with u guys/girls.. It is true that i always be with may.. I just dont know why.. haha.. I always think that i cant chit-chat with u people, think that we have no topic to talk on.. haha.. look like i am totally wrong..
I may not be very cooperate with everyone.. But at least i try.. haha.. Maybe some people think that i very hard to be friend, think that i am co called "sombong".. Sorry to left a bad impression for u.. Haha..
Really sorry if i did something that did hurt your heart.. I want to APPOLOGISE here.. and 1 more thing.. THX to be my frenz, and THX for everything.. Good luck in future undertakings.. and jia you everyone.. Meet u guys again in Kampar.. Hopefully..=p

I LOVE TE2 AND PROUD

TO BE ONE OF THE MEMBER IN TE2..

me myself..

Kor messaged me yesterday. He reply:"Hi sis,there?so hw's ur day?wat u learned frm d emotion past few days?sory at 1st,nt i dun reply much,bt i do tink u ned a pair of earz mr than words, so i jz lend u my earz..beside,i tink u can tink beter nw d2,huh?bt u alwaz hv a lil.bad habit,u alwaz compare bek, compare dat ur bad,ur -ve,ur nt gud,y nvr lok @ d gudside?u ned2walk of frm tinkin urself as a failure, else u wil b dir 4eva..no mtr hw gud ur..u live on ur own feet 4ur own,nt 4me,nt bcoz of him,nt even jz 2proof anytin..jz live ur life,live it wel,dat simple,can?no 1can gv u confidence,bcoz if d confidence iz given,means u nvr have it at all..find ur own's,build ur own,n bproud bt nt ego,4 ur own..all d best to u2,in d upcumin test..gudluck,n jiayou,may u b tough..n sory,2reply late.."
Da message was so long.. Its meaningful.. I try to learn from what he told me.. I tried.. But always failed to do so.. maybe it is just because i don't even try it.. I always give myself excuses.. I always stand at the same place, never even think of to change my attitude.. I do not know to appreciate.. I always thought that i was treated badly by my parents.. I understand why they treat me in that way.. This is all because they want me to do better, to make them proud of.. but sometimes i just cant accept it.. I always think that life is so unfair.. why i have to be treated in this way?? I really don't understand it..
I understand that i live 4 my own.. Not for anyone.. I should be happy with everything.. I am luckier than some other people.. At least i got parents, got friends, got family, got chance to study.. But sometime i just cant comfort myself with that.. Cognitive dissonance(learned from management studies).. I am grow up now, should learn to think for myself.. Should plan for my own life, my future.. Not for anyone, but MYSELF.. Wish me good luck.. haha.. I will try to accieve what I want.. maybe not try is MUST.. for today onward, it will be a new day with new hopes.. jia you!!
I AM PROUD FOR BEING ME MYSELF!!

终结！！

今天，下大雨了！而我，被淋湿了！裙子湿湿的。。很不舒服叻。。在巴士站时，又遇到一个欧巴桑。。超级没有礼貌。。站一下会死么？？一来到巴士站就想要坐下。。强泊人家让位给她。。blek。。好不跟她计较，因为我起来时乘机把雨伞上的水喷了些给她。。哈哈。。
=====================
进入倒数时段了。。过三天就正式读完foundation，之后就要忙着应付考试，在过后就可以正式上degree了。。哈哈。。好期待哦~~
=====================
最近变黑了。。连续两个星期六都去运动会的duty，晒黑了。。还以为没人察觉到。。今天突然给朋友问起（两条线）。。哈哈。。
=====================
maymay买了七仔。。好想看哦。。最近很流行。。看到很多人都有一只。。因为它超可爱叻。。
=====================

wonder~~

i am so emotional these day.. and also very sensitive.. dunno y??haiz~~

USJ13 运动会

今天很早就起身了。。大约5:22am那样，就起身了。。很早叻。。起得很心不甘，情不愿。。一起身就发脾气。。起床mood。。哈哈。。好久没这样了。。真不明白为什么要这么早起床？？受不了，好像要去打战似的。。

看了juniors的kawat，本来是很不错了。。可是真正比赛时，有一点小问题。。虽然不是很满意，可是尽力了就好咯。。输了也不可以放弃哦~~要加油咯。

Hormat-ing..

今天的case还蛮多的。。有麻痹啦，受伤啦。。很多很多。。

看到吗？？红红的那个部分？他们在忙着剪那块皮。。

在忙着给他treatment。。

不好意思哦。。面对着太阳，开不到眼睛。。哈哈。。所以眼眯眯。。=p

惨！！

这星期真的很忙叻。。有两个presentation。。好多东西要记。。脑袋要爆炸了。。装太多东西了。。哈哈。。现在很blur。。读coding读到blur blur。。明天要加油了。。最后一分钟的准备。。希望一切会进行地很顺利。。
下个星期就是最后一个星期了。。很矛盾。。很想快快毕业，可是又不想。。哈哈。。奇怪。。要好好利用这最后一个星期。。朋友们要加油咯。。
**may may， 对不起哦。。今天在学校emo，发你的脾气。。哈哈。。**

=(

今天和朋友有点小争执。对不起，因为我很直接。。我真的很不爽。。你慢慢想清楚啦。。不是我要说你，可是一想起这就很不爽。。可是我不再跟你吵。。因为不值得。。

朋友，到底发生什么事？？

老套一句：“在这世界，每一个人都需要朋友。”这是不能否认的。。很多时候，人就是不懂得珍惜。。总觉得自己可以自以为是，可以为所欲为。。自己想做什么就做什么，根本就不会去想别人的感受。。很多时候，做了才后悔。。人本来就是这样吧。。

我很感激身边的每一个朋友。。从小学到中学，到NS，到现在，每一个朋友，我都很感谢你们。。感谢你们的陪伴，你们的谅解，你们的耐心，你们的开导，你们的存在，你们的一切一切。。我不会否认我这个人的人品很差劲。。人又直接，想必伤害到很多人吧。。人又固执，不肯听人家的劝告。。老是爱胡思乱想，给自己制造不必要的烦恼，不必要的压力。。很笨吧。。
最近，自己变得很情绪化。。很想找人说话，可是又隐瞒很多东西。。sms朋友时，如果她/他没回，就会乱想，自己是不是没有朋友了？是不是自己很烦？自己很令人讨厌？？想找人聊天，又不懂要找谁。。只能选择自己偷偷躲在一边掉泪。。很傻。。

每天都在想以前的日子。。想着和一伙儿打打闹闹的日子。。很想念。。回忆是记得的名词。。我在回忆里寻找回忆。。很傻吧。。每天抱着回忆，不肯放下，真的很难前进。。回忆永远都是甜美的。。

很多人不会相信我自从去了UTAR后，真的很难交朋友。。不知道为什么。。大家可以打打闹闹，可是就是插不进他们的话题。。有时为有选择自己静静地坐在一旁，观察别人咯。。这种日子真的很不好过。。有时自己会觉得自己很寂寞，很空虚。。一个人的时候，就会胡思乱想。。想很多。。有时会觉得自己很可憎。。有时会想东西想到哭。。有时会哑口无言。。很想跟朋友们说，可是一想到大家都很忙，惟有往自己肚里吞。。虽然很难受，可是还是逼不得已。。
了解我的人有几个？？我不确定。。因为很多时候，我自己会怀疑，到底我了解自己多少？？或许，我从来就不了解自己。。不开始犹豫。。我不喜欢把烦恼常在心里，可是不知道从何时开始，我发现自己找不到自己觉得是最好的listener，很可笑吧。。

到底发生了什么事？？有人可以跟我说吗？？还是那个改变了的人是我？？因为，很多时候，就算是一伙儿出街，我觉得自己真的不懂要说什么。。自己只可以保持沉默。。到底是怎么了？？只是我觉得如此，还是你们也有同感？？

sob..

肩膀超痛。。

seri sedaya运动会

今天很累哦。。因为去了seri sedaya的运动会duty。。变黑了。。哈哈。。可是，却很开心。。因为看到很多小弟弟，小妹妹。。还有帅哥美女。。或许你们很好奇吧。。为什么会有小弟弟和小妹妹吧。。因为这间学校的运动会是小学和中学一起举行。。哈哈。。本来因为没有什么case，怎么知道竟然比我们想象中多很多。。
运动会part1是没什么事做。。只是走来走去而已。。
运动会part2时，可忙咯。。因为跑400m,4x400m，所以很多运动员脚抽筋。这是因为赛跑的运动员都是同一个人，所以一定很累咯。。可是，我却留意到有一个老外的孩子，跑100m,200,400m,4x100m和4x400m。。最让我吃惊的是，他竟然全部项目都拿金牌了。。很厉害了。。
今天跟很多人按摩，松筋。。手超累叻。。因为on duty的first aider不够。。
下个星期到usj13的运动会。。像这种状况应该不会发生吧。。希望如此。。st john要加油咯。。

今天~~

想一个人原来是这样的。。想一个人真的很痛苦了。。。现在我终于知道那种感觉了。。下次不会再说，自己不会想人了。。哈哈。。
=================
今天跟albert谈话。。他跟我说道理叻。。很好笑。。问他，对女朋友有什么要求。。他说：1）要知道她的事[就是说：要知道关于她的事，不可以朋友知道，可是男朋友本身却不知道。]；2）要坦白[可是他却说，男生不用坦白，以为要保持神秘感。冷掉~~]；3）他的女朋友要留长发。。[好古老哦。。]他认为女生不可以穿到太性感，因为他不能忍受女朋友被其他人看。。好好笑哦。。原来是这样，不怪得之前的男朋友们都不让我穿到很性感。。没有短裙，没有小背心。。
albert觉得男生和女生没有纯友谊。。你觉得呢？？哈哈。。很精彩的话题吧。。
=================

怎么了？？

“悲观”这字的定义是什么？？难道要摆脱它真的那么难吗？？谁不想当个开心的人，活得自由自在？？不明白，是自己想太多，还是这本来就真真实实的存在着。。最近的自己，真的很可恨。。脑袋不懂想些什么。。不在积极去面对学业。。一得空就睡觉，看戏，玩电话。。真的很讨厌。。每天都在向很多东西，白头发都出来了啦。。哈哈。。最近也变得不太想吃东西。。应该不会是厌食症吧。胃口变小了。。是好事还是坏事呢？？健康也开始闪红灯了。。最近，经常头痛，肚子疼。。不懂为什么。。想不透。。或许，需要时间吧。。有或许我想太多了。。

男生？？

男生真的那么差劲吗？？到底喜欢带给男生什么定义？？喜欢就要拥有吗？如果是因为这样才喜欢一个人，那你也未免太失败了吧。。因为自己喜欢的人，久久不能接受你，所以你就换对象。那你真的很失败。。可怜你，是因为你还不知道什么叫喜欢。。为了拥有才选择喜欢一个人，也未免太可悲了。。没有自信的男生，是给不到另一半幸福的。。我可以很执着。。是因为我不喜欢看男生玩弄女生的感情。。所以想清楚才判断你到底知道自己想要什么吗？？男生和女生的差别就是这样吧。。

决定

虽然你说不需要说对不起，可是我还是觉得我应该说对不起。。因为自己搞砸了一切。。自己真的是尴尬气氛制造者。。哈哈（自嘲）。。对不起对你到来这么多不便。。我承认自己太主动了，可是我只是对自己的感情负责任。。想。。我的一举一动必定为你带来压力吧。。不过，我不会缠着你。。你大可放心啦。。哈哈。。
刚才和albert说过话来，从中知道了一些东西。。我懂了。。我会放下。。所谓：“拿得起就要放得下吗。”因为我根本就没资格。。用不是很美，又不是很聪明。。条件一点也不好。。用脑袋想也知道啦。。哈哈。。
今天我真的已经尽量不在你面前出现了。。可是就是不断看到你。。感觉很尴尬。。希望这状况快快消失。。哈哈。。
我不想打扰你。。想说的我已经说了。。我放弃咯。。不想这样下去。。造成一切的不便真的很抱歉。。
希望大家可以忘记这一切。。我只想交个朋友而已啦。。却被我搞砸了。。不好意思咯。。=p

对不起。。

我喜欢你。。可以带来很多反效果。。我喜欢你，不一定是说我要你做我的男朋友。因为我自己很清楚，我根本就没机会。。跟你说是因为觉得自己应该面对自己的感情。逃避并解决不了问题。。对不起为你带来困扰，带来麻烦。。你一定很生气吧。。对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！

昨天很朋友们出街。。一起去看电影和吃晚餐--火锅。。哈哈！！去看《老师嫁老大》，很好笑。。满场叻。。很多人看，整场都在笑。。不错啦。。哈哈！！还没看的一定要去看咯。。好像在帮这部戏打广告。。
===============
看完之后，大家去逛一逛街。。大家想买衣服给寿星女。。所以就骗她，要她双一件自己喜欢的衣服去试，然后大家给意见。。为了买那件衣服，我和几个朋友负责先带她去火锅店，剩下另外三个朋友就负责买那件衣服。。哈哈。。大家想在今天给她一个惊喜，因为今天是她的生日。。柔慧，生日快乐咯！！
===============
在火锅店吃火锅不是第一次，可是却是第一次一班朋友一起吃火锅，感觉有很不错。。我们一伙儿在火锅店里，成了引人注目。。哈哈！！因为我们很吵吧。。或许只是我而已啦。。因为觉得我话很多，超级吵了。。一提到偶像整个人就疯疯颠颠的。。哈哈。。很神经病~~在那儿拍了许多照。。哈哈！！我们故意要捉弄寿星公，就叫他帮我们拍照。。在他喊：“1, 2, 3”的时候，我们突然一起唱生日快乐歌。。现在想起，真的很好笑了。。贤政被我们整到很不好意思。。哈哈。。总之那时候就是很好笑就对了。。回家之前，还拜托别人帮我们拍全体照。。真不好意思。。打扰别人吃火锅。。
===============
要回家前，分车载人分了很久。。终于搞定了。。我，效励和启深坐贤政的车；慧年，义莲，柔慧就坐紫珊的车；祖贤就坐jasmine的车。。分好了，大家就各自回家咯。。突然，jasmine打来，原来车钥匙在效励这里，贤政抱回去给她那个钥匙。。之后就不懂发生什么事了。。因为他好像心情不好。。怕怕！！看他飙车，被他吓得不敢说话。。虽然自己本来很期待和他说说话，讲讲东西。。最后，搞到回家的路途，我变得很静。。不敢说话。。有点大惊小怪。。不过还是想跟他说，放心啦。。不需要跟我说“sorry啦。。”哈哈。。还有对不起没接到你的电话。。
===============

=P

今天自己超期待了。。哈哈。。像花痴那样，一直期待想看到他。。今天超幸运了，一进学校不久就看到他了。。还痴痴的一直看，一直到他走了才专心上课。。哈哈。。可是却被老师的assestment弄到超紧张，不过还顺利啦。。虽然被扣了分，但是自己应该满足，因为有时间改正自己的错误，不然一定被扣很多分的。。哈哈！！上完课前又看到偶像了。。很神经了！！一定吓倒人家了，如果被他发现的话。。哈哈。。

我疯了！！

昨天和他上网，哈哈！！超紧张了。。很颠。。像神经病那样。。看到他会紧张，没有看到他会失落，回想他。。真的很糟糕那种感觉。。喜欢一个人就是这样的感觉。。甜中带酸，酸中带甜。。很高意境。。

一个星期=p

有些人并不知道自己为什么会令人讨厌，让人觉得烦。每天以为自己很可怜，受很大的伤害。。可是自己却不去明白为什么人家会这样认为。自己会说人家伤害身边的朋友，自己也是一样。伤害到身边的人，只会在装可怜，看了真的很讨厌。我可以失去一个这样的朋友。因为彼此的友情已经被伤痕布满了。既然你说有人喜欢你，那你为什么不索性接受她？怪我是你的错，因为我是开不起玩笑的。有今天的下场是你自己换来的。不要怪我这么绝情，因为想跟你断绝来往的不只是我而已，还有其他人。请你好好反省。忍在心里很久了，本来想当面跟你说，但怕你又来发神经，这里说比较好，费事等下又给人家问长问短。。你又看的话，应该很清楚我在讲谁吧？？
================
最近都一直疯狂的在注意一个人，觉得自己好变态哦。。哈哈！！好久没有那种感觉了。。就是那种像花痴那样，一直留意那个人。看到他会傻傻，每天找机会碰它，这得很神经了。。不懂是喜欢还是崇拜。。这种感觉是第三次了。可是都只有看得分，从来没有真正拥有。想想就好，懂得满足嘛。。（可是为什么这句话酸酸的？？）
================
今天考试哦。。考题不懂在讲什么。乱写一通就交考卷了，想这次一定完蛋了啦。。读了这么多轮还是失败。。不懂为什么。。哈哈！！考了就算。。回家前看到偶像叻。。不过他淋雨回家。被朋友整，受不了他们。。不过就觉得很好笑啦，一直叫我拿雨伞给他，不要给他淋雨。。拜托，我又不是他妈啦。。还蛮喜欢看他淋雨的，因为很好看咯。。(又来有点变态了)呵呵！！
================
这拜六要出街咯。。跟朋友吃晚餐，好期待哦。。好像快快看到他们。。呵呵！！
================

DUN BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING!! I HATE IT AND IT IS REALLY MAKE ME FEEL UPSET!!

唉~~

我很讨厌家里吵吵闹闹的日子。很烦叻~~快受不了了！！

国民服务的日子!!

今天因为无所事事，所以打开了之前在国民服务是给朋友们写的纪念册。虽然多数写的都是些什么“友谊永固”，“保持联络”，“很开心认识你”等等。可是看了，觉得很温馨。虽然大家都不常联络，可是笔迹里流露的感情，其实是真心的。是一个朋友对朋友的用心，关心，真挚的感情。这就是朋友之间微妙的感情，友情。
翻开看的那一刻，脑海里充满了许多回忆。眼睛停在ＯＣ写的那一页。在营的时候，我的ＯＣ时ＣｉｋｇｕＴａｌｉｂ。他就很像我们的爸爸那样。他写着，Ｕ　ｋｎｏｗ　ｗｈａｔ？Ｋａｍｕ　ａｄａｌａｈ　ｉｎｓａｎ　ｙａｎｇ　ｈｅｂａｔ。短短一句话，可是却成功的让一个人变得有自信一些。他相信我们每个人都有自己的特点。虽然别人看不见，可是师却给与我们百分百的信赖，支持。在营里的每一刻。既辛苦又快乐。
记得，这一天很特别。是我们ｃｈａｒｌｉｅ每个女生最难忘的一天。因为我们输了。我们在操步比赛里，输得不明不白。付出的努力，却最终只拿到最后一名。有谁不心疼？当天，每个女生都哭了。可是，老师却对我们说：“你们是最棒的！”别人不知道，可是老师看到你们的努力，用心。老师还当场站在椅子上唱我们组的歌。那一刻，我们哭得更厉害。因为心里感动，同时也感伤。在里面学了很多东西，曾经闹着想回家，到最后的不舍得回家，顿时觉得自己很矛盾。
老实告诉我们，当我们重返家园时，老师们又要重新适应没有大家吵吵闹闹的日子了。我们听了，觉得很难受。所以就哭了起来。当时很佩服自己，竟然有本事在回家的前一个星期，每天都哭。真是大哭包哦！！
回到来后，有时很不习惯，少了一班朋友的声音，其实真的觉得很寂寞的。日子还是要过，可是这个回忆，是终身难忘。虽然日子会苦了一点，可是苦中作乐，不就是这个意思吗？享受此刻，就是一种幸福。因为人长大了，就只会缅怀过去，期待将来。可是却忘了享受此刻。说的没错吧？
＊光阴似箭，离开国民服务时的日子也有一年了。想想自己其实真的很想那段日子。可是人生就只有那么一次。活得精彩，快乐才是最终的目标。

承诺？？

我曾经为了让人对我刮目相看，不断地去努力，去奋斗。。让自己麻木地在读书，却不曾好好的享受人生。。不曾停下脚步，看看周围。。总以为只要努力，人家就会看到你的本事。总以为只要努力，自己就会得到自己想要的。。太过于执着，反而会让自己很累。。因为越想拥有一样东西时，你会发现自己越难拥有。是真的哦~~所以什么事都应该抱着自足就好。做人不可以贪心，拥有越多，就越想要更多。。到最后，你只会觉得其实自己曾经拥有的东西很多，失去的东西也很多。。
我不否认自己曾经对生命的不抱着一丝热诚，总觉得自己来到这个世界，什么都做不好，成天只会连累人家。。可是，现在想想自己真的很白痴叻。。正所谓“天生我材必有用”，每个人必定会有长处和短处。朋友就是可以让你互补的对象。因为人不是神，没有人是十全十美的。。或许你自己看不见自己的长处，可是你的朋友不可能不知道的。。我爱转牛角尖，总觉得自己一点长处都没有。人要学会进步，kor叫我不要再转牛角尖了，要“转羊角尖”。捉得到他的意思吗？？
我常说：“试一试有什么大不了！”原来真是不正确的。。因为当你说试一试时，你自己根本就没有准备好要去试。自己根本没有决心，又何必去试呢？？不管对什么事情，都不应该抱着试一试的心态； 应该去实行，去做。。当你觉得你自己试过了，可是还是办不到时，那就证明了你根本没有试着去做。所以从现在起，只允许自己去做还是选择不做，不要给自己借口说什么“自己会去试一试”。
我会很在乎每个人对我的看法，要求。。别人说我不好，我会伤心，不快乐。。婆婆说我很傻，为什么这么介意别人怎样看我，只要自己活得开心就好了。太过于介意别人怎样看你，只会让自己活在压力下，让自己每天胡思乱想。。所以要学会放开胸怀，不要去管别人怎样说你，嘴巴是人家的，他们爱讲就让他们讲吧！
只希望在今年里，可以看到另一个我。。一个真正长大，有脑袋的我。。不再是一个爱胡思乱想，介意人家的看法，幼稚的我~~哈哈！！

Frenship quotes~~

yeah~~

终于考完试了。。可以轻松了。。哈哈。。可是，今天数学考不好。。好多问题不会做了。。太好念了，以为数学应该难不倒我，所以就掉以轻心。。结果呢？？活该咯。。哈哈！！可以终结这次的考试咯。。考得还好，还会做。。下个sem要加油。。

programming~~XD

哎呀！今天考programming。。糟糕！！四个问题，两个小时，应该能够做完才对呀。。可是，我却做不完。。可恶！！最后一题是还剩一个小时，可是却不够时间做完。。应该我浪费太多时间去研究问题。。笨蛋。。想回真的很气叻！！交了考卷后，才想起自己犯了很多错误。。哎。。幸亏，都在同一题，所以还好咯~~哈哈！！十分的coding，我想我一半也拿不到吧。。不过没关系，唯有靠其他的问题拿分咯~~考试还有四天，代表还有四科。。要加油咯！！呵呵~~要继续冲刺咯！！大家也要加油哦~~

新一页~~

想通了。。要让自己活得更开心，更自在。。为梦想奋斗，加油~~

闷！！

考试快到了，我有点担心。好像不是有点，是应该非常担心。怕自己考不好，达不自己的目标。给自己压力，希望自己更努力。可是，今读了一整天的书，还是觉得脑袋空空。什么都不知道似的。怎么办？一想到考试要到了，就觉得心里很乱。不懂要怎样。很烦了～～一想到很多人好过我，就觉得很压力。好胜心很强，不想输给人的心态很重。唉！！不懂要做什么啦。我不想要这样，可是我就是输不起吗。。
我真的很想拿到奖学金。有了它，我就不用烦钱的问题了。不用去想要拿什来交学费，要怎样去过生活。不用为了钱而烦。因为要出去住，家里又多了一份开销。加上我有没有打工，消费又越来越大，能省就省咯。所以要加油咯～～不可以再这样混下去。

醒觉~~

今天，在等巴士看到一个小女孩和她的妈妈跟阿姨。。她长得很可爱，很活泼。。可是她却活在黑暗的世界。。不能看到这个世界，或许是种痛苦；可是她可以保有一颗纯洁的心，看不到这世界邪恶的一面。。缺陷不一定只有坏处，也有好处。。从中学到，凡事都有好和坏，坚持往不好的一面去想，只会让自己觉得更累。。新的一年，要加油咯~~

不知道~~

昨天跟朋友出街。。哈哈~~好久没跟朋友一起出街了。。能出街是好啦。。可是，却不懂要讲什么，因为有太多话想说了，可是又不懂要从哪里说起。。矛盾~~看来，沟通出现问题咯。。不过，不管啦。。跟朋友一起出街就好啦。。不懂要怎样讲。。
开始担心考试了，不懂要怎样开始读。。没有头绪。。想开始读书，可是又很懒惰。我知道再不努力，我要不及格了啦。。我不想考不好啦。。可是每次都考不好。。不懂为什么~~命运？？还是我不够努力？？